The Dark Secret of Edward Cullen
by kat716
Summary: After a supernatural encounter or two, Bella's life is perfect... or is it? Will Edward's dark secret tear them apart? Crack/parody.
1. Prologue

AN: Official Disclaimer. I don't own Twilight. I've never read Twilight. I've never seen any Twilight movies. (The closest I've come is 30-second Bunnies on You Tube) This story is total crack. The only actual knowledge I have about Twilight comes from reading book/movie reviews. I made all this stuff up. No one gives me money for it.

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**The Dark Secret of Edward Cullen**

By PsychoNikki

_Prologue_

Once there was a young girl named Bella Swan, who went to a High School full of ignorant people.

None of them were smart enough to notice her beauty, or clever enough to see how graceful she was, and even the most ignorant of them should have known that she was the nicest person in the whole school.

But alas, Bella's wondrous beauty, her grace and kindness, her humble modesty, they were all unnoticed and unworshipped day after day.

One night as she lay in bed crying delicate tears at the misfortunes of her sad life, a fairy appeared who was nearly as beautiful and graceful as Bella.

"Dearest child," the fairy asked, "Why are you crying?"

Looking into the fairy's eyes, Bella knew at once that she was a kind and helpful person; almost as kind and helpful as Bella herself was.

So she told the fairy of the tragedies that had befallen her and asked, "Can you help me?"

"Of _course_ I can," the fairy said, "One so lovely and talented as you deserves all the magic at my disposal. You just dry your pretty eyes and go to sleep. Don't worry; starting tomorrow things will be much better."

Bella closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep, wondering what her new life would be like.

_End Prologue_


	2. Chapter 1

_Chapter 1_

Bella Swan stepped down out of the school bus and was instantly surrounded by a large group of her friends.

"Bella, you look great today!"

"Oh, Bella, what did you do with your hair? It's wonderful!"

"Bella dude, that jacket is _totally_ killer."

"Ohmigod! Are those Michael Kors shoes? I am _so_ jealous!"

She responded graciously, basking in the attention. She had been surprised when her father got promoted and they suddenly had to move, but this was exactly right.

_That fairy certainly knew what she was doing when she chose this place for me,_ she thought. _Here I get the recognition and praise I deserve._

"Hey! What do you think you're doing, geek?" That was Gina, the leader of Bella's group of followers.

Bella turned at the shout and saw one of her classmates approaching her. Well, he was trying to approach, but was being waylaid by her friends.

"Um, I was going to talk to Bella?" Faced with dozens of angry girl eyes he faltered, turning his statement into a question.

"You what?!"

"Says who?"

"Oh no, he didn't."

"Look kid," Gina said (to the boy her own age) "you don't get to just walk up and talk to Bella. She's special, right?"

"Yeah, special!" her friends chorused.

"Ri—ight." The boy looked a lot less intimidated by the girl-mob by now. "So how exactly _do_ I talk to Bella?"

"You talk to us. We talk to Bella, then she decides if she wants to talk to you."

The boy rolled his eyes. "All that just to _talk_ to her? Sheesh! I only want to ask her out for ice cream after school."

"Ice cream!"

"Aw, how cute."

"Look, he's got a crush."

"QUIET!" Gina silenced the crowd, then turned back to Bella's would-be suitor. "Okay, let's get started. Are you rich?"

"No."

"Parents rich?"

"No."

"Famous or politically powerful?"

"Uh…no, and no. Are we done?"

Gina turned to look at Bella, and the boy did the same.

Bella was standing a couple feet away texting someone on her cell phone.

"Hey, Bella!" Gina pointed at the boy.

Bella jumped. "Huh? Oh...uh. Move along normal-boy." She slipped her phone into her pocket and made shoo-ing motions toward him with both hands. "Go on, now."

His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. "The guys were right. You _are _a stuck-up snob."

Turning away, he pushed through the crowd and stomped off.

There was a moment of silence, and then all her friends began talking at once.

"Ohmigod, did you see that?"

"She totally spoke to him!"

"I don't know why he's all, like mad. I mean, Bella Swan just talked to him… in public."

"Really, doesn't he know what an honor that is?"

Chloe turned to Bella and took both her hands, squeezing them gently. "Bella, you are the kindest person I know. Not many people as cool as you would talk to someone like that. Especially where someone might see."

"Whatever," Bella sighed as she retrieved her hands, "That's first bell. We'd better get going."

They all gathered their bags and jackets and rushed off to class, eager to be the first to spread the tale of the time the wonderful Bella Swan talked to a normal-boy.

_End Chapter 1_


	3. Chapter 2

_Chapter 2_

Thus, Bella continued her new life. She held court over her new friends, who worshipped and adored her, and everyone at school wanted to be chosen by Bella Swan.

The only blight on her otherwise spotless life was… boys. They kept _talking_ to her, saying they liked her and she was smart, and pretty, and graceful, and kind.

Bella already _knew_ all of that. She didn't need some boring normal-boys pestering her about it all the time. But, that was the sort of thing that happened to you when you were as fabulous as she was.

One day, as she was eating lunch in the courtyard with ten of her closest friends, something caught her eye. It was a boy. Not just any boy. A boy with smoldering sensuality and Adonis-like features, who sparkled like a diamond in the sunlight. Wait – sparkled?

"Cindy? Is that beautiful, soulful Adonis over there sparkling?" Bella pointed at the object of her admiration.

"Sparkling?" Alarmed, Cindy grabbed Bella's arm. "Don't look at him!"

"Why not?" Asked Bella, "He's gorgeous."

"That's Edward Cullen," Jenny explained quietly, glancing around to ensure that no one else was listening. "He's one of _the_ Cullens."

"They're perfect," sighed Chloe.

"Flawless," agreed Susie.

"Perfectly flawless."

"Flawlessly perfect."

"And," Cindy said, "Edward is the _most_ perfect, the _most_ flawless of all of the Cullens."

The girls all gazed –discreetly- at Edward and let out internal squeals of fan girl joy. As they watched, he finished his lunch and exited the room, which was suddenly filled with the sound of girls crying tears of heartache and loneliness.

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AN: Sorry about the really short chapter. I asked my sis for help and the idea outline she gave me was so psycho I had to post it as its own chapter. So, chapter 3 is done by a guest author.


	4. Chapter 3

AN: Now that you've gotten used to my level of crack, I present you with a chapter written by my sister.

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_Chapter 3_

Once Bella saw the perfection that was Edward, she knew he was the only boy who could possibly complement her own perfection.

For weeks Bella watched Edward, and waited for him to realize that she alone could match his beautificence. Obviously _he_ should approach _her_ to cement their love… but he didn't!

Even though she knew she was much smarter than all of her friends, Bella decided to ask their advice. After all, by his very nature as a male, Edward was less intelligent than she was. Maybe her friend could shed some light on the situation.

"Gina, Edward is perfect like me, and gorgeous like me, so why hasn't he approached me yet and asked my out?" Queried Bella, tears of confusion sparkling in her beautiful eyes.

"Perhaps he is intimidated by your awsomelyness." Said her little follower.

"Hmm. Of course he would be. I mean, who wouldn't? I'm Bella, after all."

She decided to break her #1 Rule and speak to him first, knowing he was smart enough to realize what an honor she was bestowing upon him and probably buy her a gift in thanks… maybe something sparkly!

To her utter shock, Edward told her that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. HER! Bella the beauteous. What was going on?

For the next little while Bella continued to stalk court Edward.

Eventually Edward came to his senses and admitted to Bella that he _did_ understand her wonderfulness. In fact, he had been sneaking into her room every night and watching her sleep (in a very romantic and not at all creepy stalker-like way), trying to gather his courage to approach her.

"Bella, my love, I have a secret. I only hope you can still bring your self to love me once I tell you." Edward looked tormented and not at all sparkly.

"What could possibly make me not like you Eddykins?" gushed Bella. _Other than some sort of flaw or imperfection, of course, _she thought_. _

Edward braced himself and said "I, beloved, am a vampire. That's why I sparkle like a flawless diamond in the sunlight. But don't worry, I don't want to drink your blood or do anything that could in anyway damage the perfection that is you."

Bella thought about this for a moment, and then realized that since no one else had a vampire for a boyfriend, that made her and Edward even more special, so it was okay.

"Oh, my sweet Eddy-teddy, how could you think that would change things? I will love you always, no matter what." Bella gracefully threw her arms around Edward and hugged him.

He said she smelled nummy and he loved her to distraction but that it was too dangerous for them to be together, because… it's too dangerous. He has enemies that may harm her.

Bella protests that it doesn't matter, because she is so beloved by all that nobody would ever hurt her so it's alright to be together.

Blinded by her astonishingnessness, and dazzled by her nummy-nummy-ness, he agrees…


	5. Chapter 4

AN: We now return you to your regular author.

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_Chapter 4_

_Six months later…_

"Darling!"

"Beloved!"

Bella and Edward uttered words of love and devotion as they greeted each other that night. After an appropriately passionate kiss, Edward broke off to ask, "Did you lie to your father, like I told you?"

"Of course, my love," Bella replied, "I told him I had the graveyard shift at Hooters tonight. He'll never suspect his innocent little girl is meeting her vampire lover instead."

"What about your friends? You haven't seen them in days. Won't they wonder where you are?"

"Ditched them," she said, tossing back her silky hair. "I don't need anyone else, sweetheart, now that I have you." She smiled beguilingly and batted her eyelashes at him.

He returned her smile, but his own perfect smile didn't quite reach his flawless eyes. "Beloved," he said, in his Adonis-like voice, "We need to talk."

"Talk?" Bella gracefully looked at Edward quizzically. "About what?"

"Me."

Edward and Bella spun around at the sound of the voice behind them. Bella gasped in awe when she saw who was there.

He was…beautiful. Long, flowing black hair, piercing chocolate-colored eyes, a lithe, strong body, sensuous lips…he was as perfect as her Edward. Was it possible?

The stranger noticed her admiration and smiled smugly. His smile was perfect, too, revealing – wait! How awful! He had crooked teeth.

Once again, Bella was pleased that she'd had the intelligence to let Edward be her boyfriend. He had perfect teeth. In fact, everything about him was flawless.

"Bella," Edward said, stepping closer, "this is Raoul. He's a…friend of mine. A vampire, like me."

"Charmed, I'm sure." Bella said, monotone. He was just a normal-boy, even if he _was_ a vampire. She wasn't going to waste her smiles or kindness or grace or—

Suddenly he was in front of her, raising her hand to his incredibly beautiful lips. "I am honored to be in the presence of such beauty _mi Corazon_."

Then again, he did have exquisite taste in women, so she supposed that out of compassion she could overlook the crooked tooth issue. Besides, he was a friend of Edward's.

"Raoul, why are you here?" Edward stepped between the two of them and retrieved Bella's hand from the other vampire's grasp.

"Why, it should be obvious, darling Edward. I came to see if you've told her the truth yet."

"Truth?" Bella asked, looking back and forth between the two amazingly good-looking men. "Edward? What is he talking about?"

For the first time in the entire year she had known him, Edward would not meet her lovely eyes with his soulful gaze.

"It's nothing, my darling, _Raoul_ is just trying to cause trouble."

"Nothing! Ha! Your darling Eddykins here has a secret and he can't make you a vampire until he tells you what it is. It's vampire law." Raoul's laugh was as beautiful as the rest of him—except for the teeth—and Bella had to remind herself that he was apparently a bad guy.

Edward narrowed his Adonis-like eyes. "Don't call me Eddy-kins, Raoul. Only my lovely graceful Bella is allowed to call me that."

Raoul smirked again and walked toward Edward, close enough that Edward was forced to put a hand on Raoul's chest to keep them from touching from shoulder to hip. "Oh, alright," he purred, "But what shall I call you?" He laid a hand on Edward's cheek, his flawless dark skin standing out against Edward's pale perfection. "I know you don't like your True Name."

Bella—who had been busily having dirty thoughts about the two gorgeous men currently touching each other in front of her—jumped when Edward suddenly slapped Raoul's hand away.

"Let's not talk about True Names, _**Raoul**_." He stepped back. "This is between my sweet and loving Bella and I. You have nothing to do with it. Now leave."

"Fine. I'll be around if you should…want me." Raoul turned to Bella and bowed. "Farewell." He turned and ran off nearly faster than the eye could follow.

Edward walked up behind Bella and wrapped his strong arms around her. "Are you okay, my precious darling?"

She turned in the comforting circle of his manly arms. "Edward, who was that man? What is it that you are supposed to tell me?"

"I—"He released her and turned away. "Dearest Bella. I have a secret."

"Is this the reason your deep, soulful eyes are sometimes haunted by fear and shame?"

"Yes," Edward hung his head, "That's right."


	6. Chapter 5

_Chapter 5_

"Edward, there's nothing you can say that will destroy our flawless love. We have the perfect relationship of those destined to be true soulmates for all eternity. No force on Earth could possibly drive us apart."

"You're right, Bella, I should just trust in our eternal love." He placed a chaste kiss on her forehead.

"Of course I'm right, darling. Now, tell me what Raoul was talking about."

"Well, you know that I'm not really Dr. Cullen's son." He took Bella by a dainty hand and led her to sit on a fallen tree. "When I came to live with him, as part of vampire tradition, I was given a new name."

"Your name isn't really Edward Cullen?" Bella looked confused—in a very intelligent way, of course—and asked, "Well, why did you change it?"

The vampire formerly known as Edward knelt down in front of Bella and took her hand in his. "I will explain. All vampires have a True Name, one that they are born with. In the past, our ancestors kept this name throughout their lifetime. However, it became far too easy to track and recognize them, even when they pretended to be their own ancestors. So now, we adopt a False Name for each "life" we lead. Edward Cullen is the name I am using for this life.

"So, my last name will be Cullen when we get married, but then it will change? That will be kind of strange."

Avoiding Bella's lovely eyes, the vampire formerly known as Edward stood and moved away. "Well… you will use different names, just as I do, but when we marry you will take my True Name."

"I see." Bella said, disappointed. She had gotten quite used to the idea of being Isabella Cullen. "Well then, what is your True Name?"

"That's the problem!" The vampire formerly known as Edward cried, as he began pacing back and forth in front of Bella. "I don't want to tell you!"

"What?" Bella's heart-- usually overflowing with compassion and kindness-- sank. "What do you mean you don't want to tell me? I'm your girlfriend, Ed—whoever. The woman you adore and worship. How can you not want to share everything with me?"

"You don't understand! My name is… different from the other vampires' names. Most of them have really cool names. Dante and Rafael and Vlad and Drake. Hunter and Malachi and Damien and Jake. But, I still recall, I had the strangest name of them all."

"Oh, Ed—sweetheart. It doesn't matter if your name is… unusual."

"But when I was a child they teased me! All of the other vampires used to laugh and call me names. They never ever let me join in all their vampire games. It was traumatic!" He hung his head, his glorious hair falling to cover his beautiful eyes. "I've been ashamed of my name ever since."

Bella stood and took Ed—the vampire's vase between her graceful hands. "You can trust me, my love. Let me share your burden."

"Okay." The vampire formerly known as Edward took a deep, Adonis-like breath. "My true name is… Lester Biffenshtein."

"I beg your pardon? I didn't quite catch that."

"Lester Biffenshtein."

"Lester!?" She jumped to her feet in shock.

"Yes."

"Lester Bi—what?"

"Biffenshtein."

"Oh." She sank down to sit on the log once more. "That's… not so bad." She did not sound convincing.

Silence hung between them.

"Oh my god!" Bella leapt up and grabbed Edwa—Lester by the shoulders. "If we get married, my name will be Bella Biffenshtein! I can't! I can't do it!" Bella broke into tears, tormented by the fact that fate was denying her this chance at love.

"But—but Bella—"

"No! Les—I can't even say it. It's obvious that we were wrong and we aren't fated to be together." She backed away. "I never want to see you again!"

Lester let out a howl of anguish and ran off, disappearing into the forest in the blink of an eye.

Bella dried her gorgeous eyes and starting walking home, trying to decide what to do next. Perhaps she'd see if she could find Raoul again. He may have crooked teeth, but at least his first name was beautiful. She'd have to find out his last name.

But first, she had a fairy to kill.

END

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